Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Calling All Beer Geeks

Ack.  So late.  Sorry.  This is a little different this time.  It's something of a roast present for my husband who had a birthday on Friday.

River of Fire Brewery in Salt Lake City, Utah would like to proudly present its newest creation, Price of Your Soul, a Barrel-Aged Imperial Farmhouse Quadruple Russian Imperial Sour Stout.  Price of Your Soul is probably the most important beer that will ever be brewed.  It is so important that it comes with its own chalice carved out of jewel-encrusted sparkling petrified brimstone.

No beer geek’s collection is complete without it!!!  Price of Your Soul is made with the finest two-row barely malt the great salt marsh has to offer, retaining a lot of the sulfury characteristics of hell itself as well as the night after a pot of chili gone wrong.  We hand smoke the malt in the chimney of a crematorium for that clean crisp taste and then blacken it in the exhaust pipes of whatever SUVs happen to be in the Walmart parking lot that day.  When we say that people have died for this beer, we mean it.

Our yeast is cultivated from the under scrapings of a million public school desks.  For the quickest possible fermentation, we feed our little beasties low quality dog food from China because it’s chock full of all the things that bacteria just seem to love.  Then we warm the room up to a hundred and twenty degrees and those precious little creatures just thrive in our open fermenters!

Price of Your Soul boasts three hundred and forty seven point fourteen hop additions during its hundred and twenty minute cycle.  As it cools, it is dry hopped, sock hopped, wet hopped, fresh hopped and hip hopped.  This beer contains so many hops, after just one sip, you’ll swear that you just stepped into a funeral parlor on a day when the air conditioning is on the fritz.

Oh, but what a sip it’ll be.

Here’s what a bunch of random beer geeks are saying about Price of Your Soul on BierSnobvocate.org:

“This stuff makes my pee smell like Wonder Bread.”  -iheartmiller893

“Viscosity is somewhere between motor oil and warm tapioca balls.” -passthecan

“There was a goat hoof in mine.” –g1vemep0rk

“Notes of wet dog, old diaper and a surprising twist of kumquat.” –checkcheckcheck1969

“It glows in the dark.  WTF?”  -no6packs

Price of Your Soul put hair on my chest.  Literally.” –waxmycap09

We barrel age this mess in absinthe barrels and then we freeze distill it so that the final product is 62% ABV.  Then we bottle condition it with Pop Rocks for a really explosive taste.

There is only one way you can get this super exclusive brew.  Follow these instructions to the letter:

  1. Fill out the application on our website.  But don’t bother in you have less than 5,784,574,385,739 points on BierSnobvocate.org
  2. Email this announcement to eighty people on your BierSnobvocate.org trades list.  Tell them that there is a less than 5% chance you may get this beer and that you need to know in advance what they’ll trade you for it.  BCC us on those emails.
  3. Write us a forty page glowing review before even trying our beer.  Post this review in its entirety to your website, your twitter, your Facebook, in the comments section of other people’s blogs and tattoo it on your dog’s tongue.  Extra points if you make a really cool fan boy tee shirt with some of your best talking points and wear it for a month straight.
  4. Take the ninety question beer compatibility test on our website. 
  5. Send us three black and white pictures of your girlfriend’s or wife’s bare feet.
  6. Pass a drug test.  We don’t cater to hippies.
  7. Record your basal heart rate, rectal temperature and fiber intake for a minimum of six months.  Also, let us know if you are taking any prescription drugs.
  8. Solicit letters of recommendation from your lawyer, postal carrier, Avon lady, general practitioner, local voting booth operator, bichon frise, and high school Spanish teacher.  But don’t tell them that the letter is for us.  Lie and tell them that you are applying for NASA.  For help making this seem convincing, contact our sales department at 1-800-WeR-NASA.
  9. Take the ninety question beer compatibility test on our website a second time for the sake of consistency.
  10.  Forward copies of your driver’s license, passport, social security card and your high school SAT scores to our personnel department.  You must be legal to work in this country.  Be aware that if your last name sounds overly foreign, you will be required to submit recent TOFEL scores.  We also need proof that you’ve been vaccinated for rabies.
  11. Tell us about your favorite midnight snack and how it represents patriotism.
  12. If you could be a cardboard box, a sliding glass door or an ad on Craigslist, which one would you be and why?
  13. Can you pat your head, rub your stomach and whistle Disney songs while tap dancing?  If not, how do you think this has shaped you as a person?
  14. Take the compatibility test on our website for a third time.  After you are done, triangulate your scores with the month, day, year and exact time of your birth.  Multiply the result with the numerical value of your name according to Tibetan numerology, raise that number to the power of your mother’s maiden name.  Take the square root of the result and rip it into eight pieces.  Close your eyes and randomly draw one of the pieces.  Then tell us if the last number on that piece of paper is odd or even.  If it’s even, you can forget about getting this beer.
  15. If chosen, drive to our distributor in Frozenwasteland, North Dakota the day before our release day.  Spend at least sixteen hours camping out in our parking lot.  Numbers will be passed out at two o’clock the next day when our employees have finally sobered up.  And don’t forget to bring something for the potluck!!!!


  1. LOL. I finally got through this (was interrupted yesterday by WORK...pffft, how rude!). I am so so so curious as to how you got inspired to write this? :P

  2. My husband actually does these things. . . . Yep . . .


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