The irony with this story is that I really did intend to make Susan good. But she just took on a life of her own!
Maim and Destroy…for your sanity
God cut off with a sigh, throwing his hands in the air.
"What is it?" Susan asked from her spot in a folding chair nearby.
God looked at her, trying to find the words. Finally he growled and tossed her a high-tech looking object with antennas sticking out of it every which way. "Check this out, man!"
God handed her the Earthenvision transmitter and watched with raised eyebrows for her to check out the scene unfolding on it.
"I mean, seriously!"
Susan frowned at the little screen, and slowly her eyes widened. "Wow. These humans are really messed up, eh?"
God held up his hands again, exasperated beyond measure. "Seriously. What can I say?"
"Sometimes, God, I think you're too nice. You let 'em just walk all over you. Ever heard of not being a doormat?"
God's brows knit together as he regarded this latest addition to Heaven. "Look, Suze, I'm just trying to do good and shit. You know? Everyone thinks I'm meant to be all nice, and I'd really like to live up to that."
"Yeah, but you're also meant to be a vengeful bastard," Susan reasoned. "You know, 'wrath of God' and all that. I mean, you gotta give a little to get a little. Know what I'm sayin'?"
God frowned. "Um, not really."
"Well, what I'm sayin' is that you gotta give a bit of destruction to get a little peace. That's how I see it, anyway."
"That's not very Zen of you."
"Yeah, I know. But I'm Susan, not some Buddha or whatever. I don't have to be Zen."
"Oy!" Buddha yelled from over on the next grassy knoll where he was sunning himself. "Did I hear my name?"
"Calm down, Buddhs," called God. "Susan's just philosophising over here."
"All right!" Buddha exclaimed, getting peacefully to his feet and strolling calmly on down the hill. "Why didn't somebody say so? This is totally my gig right here. So, what'll it be? Metaphysics? Bit of ethics? God, the list really goes on. Err, no offense God."
"None taken, my man." God held up his hands to indicate total and utter peace.
But "Buddha," Susan said, wanting to get the focus back on non-peaceful topics, "check this out." She handed Buddha the Earthenvision transmitter. "It's the result of God's latest prayer granting session."
"I mean, seriously!" God huffed, exasperated all over again.
Buddha turned the transmitter around and around. "I don't get it. What's all that smoke and shit?"
"It's a fuckin' building they just exploded! What's worse, it's a a fuckin' church, man! House of God, right? And they killed it! It's their own damn church."
"Woah, that's pretty crazy," Buddha murmured to God, shaking his head. "I can't say I know how you're feelin' right now, man. My followers tend to be way more chilled than this."
"Yeah," God said, "about that—what's your secret, man? Got any pointers?"
Buddha shrugged. "Honestly, man, it's just a way of life. But I gotta say, this really helps." He pointed to the grass beneath his feet and started giggling.
"It does?" God frowned down at the grass, perplexed.
"Naw," said a new voice, and everyone turned to check out Justin Bieber who'd just rocked up.
"What the hell are you doin' here, man?" God exclaimed. "You were meant to live till at least forty."
"Yeah," Justin said, "I'm still alive—I'm just orbing. And I'm here to deliver a message."
"You're…orbing?" Susan muttered.
"Yeah," Justin said, then looked back to God, the guy he'd come to see.
"A message from…?" God asked tentatively.
"Can't remember the dude's name. But basically, the message is this: maim and destroy, for your own sanity." Justin shrugged, and his backwards baseball cap fell off his head, letting his floppy hair loose—it fell over one of his eyes. He ignored it, crossing his over his chest. God saw with interest that his index and middle finger of each hand was sticking out.
"Hey!" Buddha exclaimed, "that's my sign. Right on, brotha peaceman!"
And he and Justin exchanged a high five.
"What, so…maim and destroy?" God was frowning, scratching his goatee—that big bushy beard had got to be a real pain, and when he'd confessed as much to Susan after her arrival she'd offered her hairdressing services. He felt free as a bird since the transition. But he hadn't let her cut off his long ringlets…not yet. They were too much a part of him.
"Yeah, man," Justin said, nodding his head. "Maim and dee-stroy! Anyway, kids, I'm outta here." Justin raised his hand and performed a weird kind of epileptic action that God was pretty sure was meant to be a dance move. Justin scooped up his cap and stuck it back on his head. "Take care of yourselves, friends!" And then he was sauntering away, muttering, "Baby, baby, oh," to himself.
A moment later, he vanished.
"Dude!" everyone chorused, Susan included.
Then God turned to the others and said, "So, what do you think? Maim and destroy? Or maybe just maim…"
"Maybe just destroy," Susan said thoughtfully. "Like, it's okay for us 'cause we're up here."
"Yeah, so I could maim and destroy that hell hole and there'd be no more stupidity down there. No more destruction!"
Buddha looked confused. "But wait a sec…if you maim and destroy the entire world down there, won't that constitute…well, destruction? The very thing you're trying to avoid a future of?"
God nodded. "Hey, yeah. You're right."
"Also," Susan said slowly, "it'd result in some serious overpopulation up here. And down below too."
"Yeah, good point," God muttered.
"Well, we could always kick some people out of Heaven," Buddha suggested. "Like, we could go back through the records and purge anyone who only just scraped in originally."
"Yeah, but…that's a lotta paperwork." God shook his head. "Nah, not into it hey. It's too much work."
"Okay. So you're going to ignore Justin Bieber's advice?" Susan asked.
"Yeah." God nodded. "I think I am."
"Well, okay. Cool," Susan said.
Buddha shrugged. "All right. Well, on that note, I'ma go back up to my knoll. Catch you later God and Susan!"
"Catch you later Buddhs!" God replied, and Susan raised her hand in farewell.
"Well," Susan said, "now that you're not going to maim and destroy the world—what do you wanna do?"
"I was thinking we could play cards. What games do you know?"
"Ohhhh, what games do I know!" Susan cackled. "I know a shitload of games, God. Just you wait."
As God and Susan walked off towards the Games Hall, she breathed a sigh of relief he'd opted to ignore Justin Bieber's advice and had vetoed Buddha's idea about kicking some people out of heaven. If they'd looked back over the paperwork, they might've learned the truth about her and her "free pass" into Heaven, and she'd be gone, gone, GONE, right to the fiiiieeery pits of heeeyyyll.
Maim and destroy, she mused. That is a lovely idea…but not yet. I have to bide my time.
She smiled an evil smile at God's back as she followed him into the Games Hall, daydreaming of a day not far off.